I checked Facebook Marketplace to see if anyone had messaged me about the Blu-Ray player I had posted days before. Having recently gifted my remaining exercise DVD’s that I had been holding onto for months “just in case,” I no longer had any DVD’s and no need for a DVD player. Hmmm. No takers. Well, I thought, I’ll just post it my Buy Nothing Group for free and it will be gone by tomorrow.
Once I’ve made the decision I no longer need something, I make it a priority to get it out of my house. In fact, it becomes a bit of an obsession. It gives me a satisfaction I don’t get from many other things in life. I feel a weight lifted, a release of tension I didn’t know was there. I feel lighter, almost giddy. The same high someone gets from purchasing something new, I get from getting rid of things I don’t need.
Getting rid of my excess possessions has been extremely beneficial in my minimalism journey. And the same lightness I feel when I clear physical clutter has translated into minimizing the commitments on my calendar and the distractions of glowing screens.
Removing excess stuff, commitments, and distractions has given me the space to understand what is most important to me and the person I want to become. It has allowed me to clarify my values and live in alignment with them while pursuing my goals and passions. Those benefits are talked about widely in the minimalism space and are incredible gifts.
Minimalism has also uncovered something I wasn’t expecting. It has laid bare the parts of myself I don’t like, the parts I was able to hide underneath the clutter, staying “busy” and mindlessly scrolling. For me, this is my need for control manifesting itself as anger toward my children.
Throughout my adult life, I have worked in environments where I understood what was expected of me and have been able to plan and execute to meet or exceed the expectations of others. I worked with rational adults (for the most part) and didn’t encounter a lot of resistance as I moved through my career. Challenges and frustrations would arise, but I was able to resolve them and move forward.
Imagine that you arrive at your workplace and greet your two co-workers. One of them yells, “Go away!” and the other one takes the iced drink you brought for him and throws it across the room. You bring a report to your boss that she asked for yesterday and she says she doesn’t want it anymore. She wants something different, NOW. You look at your watch. It’s 8 AM. Throughout the day, every step you try to take to meet your goals and deadlines is met with resistance. Your to-do list sits there, untouched. If you’re like me, you’d probably feel emotionally drained, ineffective, and want to quit your job.
This is what my current season of stay-at-home parenting looks like. Despite my attempts to anticipate, plan, and prepare, the requests (i.e. demands) of my three-year old and one-year old boys are constantly changing and the environment is often chaotic and emotionally charged. When I can’t effectively anticipate or control the behavior of my children, I get angry. And because I wanted for so long to be a mother and was finally granted my heart’s desire, I feel like I’m not just being ineffective in my role as a mom, but I feel a deep sense of shame about my angry reactions and question my self-worth. This is because to me, being a mother isn’t just a role – it’s who I am at my core. And unlike a “normal” job, parenting is not something you can quit when it gets hard, or as Karen Maezen Miller describes it in her book Momma Zen, it’s a “club that you cannot quit, a job you cannot shove, a prize that is non-transferable.”
So since I can’t control the chaos of my home and the anger that bubbles up under my skin, I control the clutter. Because my heart feels heavy with guilt, I get rid of extra belongings to help me feel lighter. The motivation to declutter is no longer purely to remove excess, but to control my environment and to distract me from the challenges of motherhood and the incongruence between what I say my values are (being a kind, loving, and supportive mother) and my actions (impatience and frustrated yelling).
And yet there is hope. Because minimalism has allowed me to make space in my life to focus on what is most important, I can choose to focus on the uncomfortable truth that my anger has been holding me back from experiencing the fullest joy in my motherhood, and do something about it. I have the margin in my schedule to pursue counseling, and when I’m tempted to mindlessly scroll social media to escape from an emotionally draining day, I can intentionally spend time in prayer and meditation to further delve into the triggers that cause my reactions and visualize how I might choose differently the next time.
Perhaps this is the greatest gift that minimalism has given me: uncovering the darkness, but also giving me the space and opportunity to recognize it, explore it, and move toward the light.
New to minimalism? Check out my Beginner’s Guide to Minimalism and Simple Living where I share helpful resources that got me started in my journey to live with less.
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Thank you for sharing, You’re so not alone in this <3
Sandra- thanks for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it. It is definitely comforting to know that I’m not alone in this journey. 🙂
You are an amazing person and an amazing mother. I am so grateful for your willingness to be authentic. Sometimes when I get angry with my 2.5, I handle it terribly and immediately feel horrible. It really is the worst feeling because often my behavior is more of a result of my own unrealistic expectations rather than my child’s “bad” behavior.
I admire you for confessing and facing these issues instead of hiding them. In order for mamas to grow we need role models of others overcoming similar obstacles without tying a pretty little bow on the situation. We need people like you willing to share their struggles so we can know we aren’t alone and don’t have to be perfect to make progress.
Thank you, Emmy!
Katie- thanks so much for your comment. I never really considered myself a person that got angry and it’s been very difficult to face this reality. It’s so comforting to know that I’m not alone and there’s so many parents out there going through similar struggles. You are also an amazing person and mother and I’m so glad to know you and call you a friend.
The gut punches you speak of are so true. I often have moments I wonder ‘why bother” with all this parenting. No one listens to me anyway. I have tons of guilt when I yell at my kids for delaying me or not keeping to the schedule I so desperately want to control. Thanks for your honesty.
Lorie- thanks for your comment. I totally know what you mean by “gut punches.” I’ve really been trying to leave extra time around any activities that we have so that I can account for the boys’ disregard for my schedule, but despite that sometimes end up getting upset or yelling because they just won’t listen. I have to remember that they are their own people with their own lives, and it’s not just “fitting them” into my life.
I’m a mother of two, whose children are young adults and I now have two grandchildren as well. I’ve always worked fulltime, even when my kids were young. I’d have loved to have been able to work part time, but for various reasons I decided against it. It’s so easy to beat yourself up for not being a perfect mum, having a perfectly tidy house etc. etc. What I realised as I began to look back instead of being in the thick of it ( when they eventually flew the nest), was that precisely by not being a perfect being myself and most definitely, not always a perfect parent; I unwittingly enabled my kids to develop resilience, to take the good with the bad, the ebb with the flow, to be less judgmental of others, to adapt to change and to prioritise their own needs when the occasion arose. Those are the things that will stand them in good stead, out there in the wider world. That and coming home for cuddles and support when life seems unfair or they’ve experienced setbacks. For me, they’ll always be my babies.
Meanwhile, I’m so enjoying your posts Emmy. Well done, you’re so much further in knowing yourself than I was at your age. I’m sixty years young and still learning to let go of my need for control.
Hi Cathleen- thanks so much for taking the time to write a comment. I really appreciate this perspective. It’s taking time but I’m realizing that I can’t control their behavior, only my emotional reactions to that behavior. And I do hope that I’m helping them build resilience along the way. I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog! I still have so much to learn and it’s amazing how the physical and emotional energy required to parent young children put the parts of ourself we don’t particularly like on display. 🙂 Thanks again for your support and advice.
Thank you for sharing and insprirng me,you are not alone and it gives me hope for the future!What a brilliant writer you are.
Hi Michelle! Thanks so much for your kind words. It’s interesting to reread this post almost 5 months later, because I have come so far. Rest, exercise, nutrition, and therapy have helped tremendously. I’m enjoying time with my children again, which is such a blessing (since I’m with them all day!) I’m grateful that minimalism (and a very supportive husband) allowed me to seek the help I needed when I needed it. I’ll continue to write about my journey as long as there are people like you to read! 🙂
Thanks Emily! I want to write so much but I just wanted to let you know you are inspiring , encouraging and huge help to understand myself better. Thank you so much!
Ritu- thank you so much for this kind note. I really appreciate it. It is my honor to give you inspiration and encouragement!