Why is Decluttering so Hard? Exploring the Three Layers of Stuff

Where do I start and when do I find the time? When I coach other moms, these are the same two questions I get over and over again. And I get it. When you’re overwhelmed, it’s hard to believe that something that requires so much energy and focus is something you can handle when you’re inundated already. It’s one more thing to do on a never ending to-do list. And when it comes to time, it’s hard to even remember if you ate breakfast today, let alone whether you can squeeze in the time to declutter a junk drawer.

But why is decluttering so overwhelming, anyway? I believe it has a lot to do with how we perceive our stuff.

How Does Our Stuff Build Layers of Meaning?

Stuff is simply stuff…until we give it meaning the moment we purchase it or receive it as a gift. Because now we own it. And ownership, or possession of something, attaches meaning and memories to that thing over time (the endowment effect).

In fact, we attribute more value to something simply because:

• we are around it (mere-exposure effect)
• we don’t want to change the status quo (status-quo bias)
• we create memories with it over time

These unconscious psychological biases already make it difficult to declutter. What’s more, over time we may feel:

• sentimental or nostalgic about the item because of the memories it evokes – either memories of ourselves, or memories of people we care about
• guilty about letting it go because of what we paid for the item, or who gave it to us
• fearful of letting go of something when there are so many layers of meaning and memories
• reluctant to let go of something that represents a past or future self who would use the item (if only our current life circumstances would change)

In this way, our stuff becomes our possessions and eventually our most valued, or prized possessions. 

Why Decluttering is So Hard – The Spice Rack Example (Kids’ Edition)

So what do these layers look like in real life? Let’s say you are finally ready to declutter and decide you’ll start in a place without much sentimentality – the spice rack in your kitchen.

But, there’s a twist.

Instead of doing it yourself, you send in one of your kids to do it for you (if you don’t have kids, insert an unsuspecting family member or friend here). Imagine I give my four-year old son a garbage bag and say to him, “OK sweetie! I want you to come in here and decide which spices need to go.” Then I just let him go at it.

What would happen? Where would he start? He probably would make his decisions based upon what spices smelled best to him, or which ones had a pretty label with his favorite colors on it. He might just put them all in the bag because he doesn’t like spicy things anyway. (Side note: my kids think spaghetti sauce is too spicy).

“I’m finished!” he bellows. How long did it take? 5 minutes. Was it painful? Nope! Did he agonize over his decisions? Definitely not, according to the full garbage bag. Why was it so painless? Because he was making decisions based upon what mattered to him. The things that he values about our spices are far different than what matters to me, I assure you.

This is where the overwhelm and the perception of lack of time come into play. If we just decluttered like a four-year old, we’d have it made!

Why Decluttering is REALLY so Hard – The Spice Rack Example (Mom Edition)

So now, it’s your turn to declutter the spice rack. You take out all the spices and you start checking the expiration dates. Seems like a good place to start, right? You come across a curry powder whose expiration date is January 2021. You open the bottle and sniff it. It smells OK, but do you really need to keep it?

Then you remember that you’ve been meaning to make a curry dish that you have a recipe for on Pinterest for the InstantPot. And even though you haven’t made it yet (in fact you’ve never used the InstantPot), it’s still something that you think you might make in the future. And so you decide to keep the curry powder and move onto the next spice of the 50 jars lined up on the counter.

This is why decluttering is hard. Because not only do we give more meaning to the things that we own, but then we also have other things that come into play that make our decisions harder. We have our aspirational selves, made up of the things we want to do but haven’t done (like cook curry in an InstantPot), who we used to be, or the person that we want to be in the future. Or we feel guilty because we paid money for the curry powder and feel wasteful throwing it away. Then we continue to berate ourselves for not being someone who can get her act together to cook an Indian chicken curry recipe in the InstantPot.

And so, after all of this mental back and forth, we are reluctant to let even an expired curry powder jar go, because we think we might use it someday. If we’re agonizing this much over a simple jar of spice, how much harder will it be for us to declutter anything else?

Hope on Your Decluttering Journey

This example is not to discourage you. But it is important to realize that once we own something, it becomes harder and harder over time to let go of it because of the psychological biases working against us. Every time time we declutter, we are faced with these biases of memories, sentiment, aspirational selves, guilt, fear, and other things. So where does that leave us?

What we need is to shift our mindset around the roadblocks that are preventing us from being able to declutter with ease. Because we do not have the time or energy, nor do we want to be spending our precious time and energy, on agonizing over each thing we declutter. We will get nowhere, or we won’t even start.

Layers of stuff, like sedimentary rock, compound and compress over time. It is up to us to chip away at these layers step-by-step. This could mean:

• recognizing what layers and psychological biases you are dealing with
• remembering that at its core, stuff is still just stuff- its significance is simply what we give it
• asking yourself the right questions to help you decide whether the item is still serving you
• sharing your story about the item with someone else, or taking a picture to help you let go of the physical item while preserving the memory
• deciding whether you are ready to let it go or if you still have more layers to work through
• repeating the previous steps until you are ready to let go, if applicable

I promise that decluttering (even a jar of curry powder) does not have to consume all your time and energy. By recognizing the roadblocks making decluttering difficult and work through them layer by layer, we can see the process as an opportunity to view our stuff through the lens of what matters to us, so we can eliminate everything that doesn’t.

Having trouble working through your layers of stuff? Sign up for a free 30-minute decluttering coaching sessions! Or check out my favorite resource, 50 Questions Minimalists Ask to help you ask the right questions about your stuff.