Five Steps to Get Your Family On Board With Simplifying

So you’ve decided to start the journey to live with less. Congratulations! You’ve taken the first step toward a life with more time, energy, and space to pursue the things most important to you. There’s just one little problem…your family hasn’t come to the same decision.

When I ask my readers the biggest challenge they are facing in simplifying their lives and embracing a minimalist lifestyle, they tell me:

“I want to get rid of toys our kids don’t play with anymore, but my husband keeps making excuses about why we should keep them because the kids may play with them ‘someday’. They haven’t touched these toys in months!”

“My wife is a complete hoarder. She doesn’t want to get rid of anything! It’s so frustrating.”

“My kid’s room is a mess! She tells me everything is her ‘favorite’ and I’ve resorted to going through her room when she’s not there!”

How can you approach family members who have no interest in clearing the clutter that is driving your crazy? Here’s a five-step roadmap to help you navigate this difficult conversation.

1. Be crystal clear on your why and be able to articulate it clearly to your family members.

If you can’t clearly articulate why you want to simplify your life, you will have a hard time getting your family on board with your decision. To understand your deepest why, I recommend doing the Seven Levels Deep exercise: ask yourself why you want to simplify your life, and then ask “why?” six more times.

For example: “I want to simplify my life because I want to enjoy time with my kids instead of always cleaning up after them.” The second question would be, “Why do you want to spend time with your kids?” An answer might be, “Because their childhood is fleeting and I want them to remember me being present with them, instead of always saying, ‘Give me a minute’ when I have to clean something up.” The third question: “Why do you want them to remember that you were present with them?” An answer might be, “Because I want them to know that they were the most important thing to me.” As you can see, your reasoning quickly moves from your head to your heart. Understanding your deepest reasons why you want to simplify will help the conversation with your loved ones come from an honest, heartfelt place. You may want to use the Seven Levels Deep exercise for each reason you have for simplifying and see what comes up!

Once you have an understanding of your reasons, it doesn’t hurt to appeal to your family members’ reasoning style as well. If you are familiar with Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies personality framework, my husband is a Questioner. Questioners say, “I do what I think is best, according to my judgment.” I therefore try to provide objective research when I approach him with something.

Luckily, there is a ton of science behind the impact of clutter on our bodies and our brain, and how clutter affects women differently than men. Also, clutter affects children, especially young children who may be more sensitive to an overload of visual stimuli because they are learning to explore their world so much through their senses. There is also plenty of research about the impact of overscheduling on the mental health of children. In his book, Simplicity Parenting, Kim John Payne notes:

“Just as too many toys may stifle creativity, too many scheduled activities may limit a child’s ability to direct themselves, to fill their own time, to find and follow their own path.”

Your kids’ ages and personalities will factor heavily in how you approach the conversation about living with less. My kids are two and four, and are still at the age when I can usually streamline their clothing, books, and toys without them noticing (i.e. hide them for a while and when they don’t ask about them, donate). But as kids grow older, and their attachment to stuff grows (as well as their interest in activities, sports, etc.), the conversation becomes trickier.

If you understand your child’s needs and values, you can frame the conversation in a way that appeals to them. Notice I did not say wants. Wants are different, and in fact, as this article explains, it is important that children know the difference between the two at an early age. Here are some examples of needs and values:

• A two-year old has a need for comfort, but may be able to obtain that comfort with three stuffed animals instead of fifty.
• If your child is interested in nature, you can make the connection between consuming less and protecting the environment.
• A teen may be interested in a high-end handbag, which can open up a discussion about buying fewer high-quality items instead of making a beeline for the dollar bins at Target.

2. Decide the best time to talk to your family and put it on the calendar.

Once you have a well-thought-out approach to the conversation, it’s time to schedule it! If you have children, I would recommend meeting with your spouse/partner first (hereafter “partner”), and making sure you are on the same page before approaching your kids.

When are you and your partner most receptive to a conversation that requires attention and empathetic, non-judgemental listening? There are so many factors that play into this, such as work and family schedules, chronotype/sleep schedule, and menstrual cycle to name a few. Allot yourself an hour so that you don’t feel flustered or rushed. Once you have a few time slots picked out that work for you, approach your partner in an upbeat, casual manner. Here’s a possible script:

“I know that I’ve seemed a bit stressed out lately and I can tell it’s affecting you and the kids. I have some ideas of how I want to simplify on my end and I wanted to talk to you about it. Does DATE/TIME or DATE/TIME work for you?”

• In the first sentence, you are taking responsibility for how you are feeling and how it may impact others. (You can substitute your deepest why here based upon the Seven Levels Deep exercise).
• I would recommend using the word “simplify” rather than “minimize” because oftentimes, red flags will go up when your partner suspects that you’re going to “minimize” all their belongings!
• You are stating that you want to simplify “on your end” which means that you are not forcing this lifestyle change on them.

If your partner wants to ask questions right there, kindly ask them to wait until your meeting so that you can give them your full attention.

If you are a single parent (you’re doing an amazing job, by the way) and want to move straight to talking to your kids, you can take the same approach when you set up a meeting with them.

3. Lay the foundation and stay anchored to your why.

It’s the day of the meeting. Don’t be nervous! Remember that the purpose is to explain why simplifying is important to you, to provide some reasoning that will also appeal to your partner and/or kids (see Step #1), and agree on some ground rules and next steps. As mentioned previously, I’d recommend meeting one-on-one with your partner, and then scheduling a separate family meeting with your kids.

Here’s a sample script of how you can start the conversation:

“I’ve been feeling really stressed and overwhelmed when it comes to managing the stuff in our house. I did some research, and I found that I’m not crazy. There is a physiological connection between stuff, stress, overwhelm, and the health of our family. I want our home to be a haven, a place where I can spend time with you and the kids without the nagging feeling that I should always be doing something or cleaning something up. So I’m looking at ways that I can simplify so I’m not so overwhelmed anymore.”

This can be easily translated to an age-appropriate discussion with your kids as well.

4. Set expectations and ground rules, but remain flexible and open to feedback.

Now that you’ve explained why you want to change, now it’s time to move into what and how you want to change. Here are some recommendations:

• Lead by example. Share what you are planning to simplify in your own life first. This means your stuff and calendar commitments that affect you and no one else. If you have young kids, you may be able to include them as well, with your partner’s approval. For example, Allie Casazza’s husband was nervous about the changes she wanted to make in her life, but they were able to come to a compromise: “I would declutter the areas of the house that were mine and the kids’, the areas that had a direct impact on how I spent my day, and I would leave all his stuff alone.”
• Try the “out of sight” strategy. For shared items that your family never uses, ask if your partner would be willing to have them “out of sight” for 30 days but not get rid of them. Pay attention to how life feels without the item cluttering your home. Then after the 30 days, report back and ask them how they want to proceed. If they still want to hold onto it, don’t push it.
• Determine “off-limits” zones. Rachelle Crawford recommends giving your partner a space to “let their hoarder out.” While I would have a hard time with designating a space other than an attic or a garage, I understand her point. Your partner can recognize that clutter all over the house may be stressing you out, but if it’s in a space that’s “off-limits” you can just shut the door and not even think about it! (Although perhaps tell your partner they are responsible for cleaning that room?) With kids, instead of giving them an entire room, I like Zoë Kim’s recommendation in this article of giving them set boundaries. For example, your daughter can have one bin for craft items in her room, but everything must fit in that bin without spilling out.
• Declutter your family calendar. A partner who is tense about getting rid of their stuff may be open to more white space on the calendar. Talk about how you are currently spending your time and the commitments you absolutely want to keep. Then move onto commitments that are no longer serving you and discuss them with your partner. My husband is super supportive about removing commitments he knows are making me miserable! Finally, look at family commitments that impact you (taking kids to activities, etc.) and talk to your partner about what’s working and what’s not. These conversations can then move onto your kids and be discussed in an age-appropriate way.
• Remain curious and open to feedback. Your partner and kids may have a lot of strong opinions about what you are discussing. Stay calm, curious, and open to their feedback. Instead of saying, “I don’t understand why you want to XXX,” try, “That’s interesting. Can you tell me more about that?”

This is not an exhaustive list but will get you started on the right path! Remember above all to set an example by how you are living, but never nag to try and get your family to change. Your family will notice the positive impact a simpler lifestyle will have on you. You can’t control what they decide to do. After a while, you may find that your partner is willingly contributing items to go in the car for the next donation center run, or your kids are open to selling items on Facebook Marketplace (especially if you are willing to share the profits with them!)

5. Schedule monthly follow-up meetings.

This is not a one-and-done conversation. I would recommend checking in monthly to see if any guidelines need to be changed and to keep your family updated on your progress and what you’re learning. As time goes on, you may suggest a family movie night watching a documentary about minimalism or recommending that they listen to a specific podcast episode. Keep the lines of communication open, remain flexible and curious. You may be surprised what happens!

Have you had a conversation with your partner or kids about living with less? How did it go? What roadblocks did you encounter? I’d love to hear from you! Please leave a comment below.

If your family is struggling with simplifying, a mindset block may be contributing. Check out my resource 5 Mindset Shifts To Help You Let Go of Clutter!