5 Steps To Get Your Family On Board With Simplifying

So you’ve decided to start the journey to live with less. Congratulations! You’ve taken the first step toward a life with more time, energy, and space to pursue the things most important to you. There’s just one little problem…your family hasn’t come to the same decision.

When I ask my readers the biggest challenge they are facing in simplifying their lives and embracing a minimalist lifestyle, they tell me:

“I want to get rid of toys our kids don’t play with anymore, but my husband keeps making excuses about why we should keep them because the kids may play with them ‘someday’. They haven’t touched these toys in months!”

“My wife is a complete hoarder. She doesn’t want to get rid of anything! It’s so frustrating.”

“My kid’s room is a mess! She tells me everything is her ‘favorite’ and I’ve resorted to going through her room when she’s not there!”

How can you approach family members who have no interest in clearing the clutter that is driving your crazy? Here’s a five-step roadmap to help you navigate this difficult conversation.

5 Steps to Get Your Family On Board With Simplifying

1. Be crystal clear on your why and be able to articulate it clearly to your family members.

If you can’t clearly articulate why you want to simplify your life, you will have a hard time getting your family on board with your decision. To understand your deepest why, I recommend doing the Seven Levels Deep exercise: ask yourself why you want to simplify your life, and then ask “why?” six more times.

For example: “I want to simplify my life because I want to enjoy time with my kids instead of always cleaning up after them.” The second question would be, “Why do you want to spend time with your kids?” An answer might be, “Because their childhood is fleeting and I want them to remember me being present with them, instead of always saying, ‘Give me a minute’ when I have to clean something up.” The third question: “Why do you want them to remember that you were present with them?” An answer might be, “Because I want them to know that they were the most important thing to me.” As you can see, your reasoning quickly moves from your head to your heart. Understanding your deepest reasons why you want to simplify will help the conversation with your loved ones come from an honest, heartfelt place. You may want to use the Seven Levels Deep exercise for each reason you have for simplifying and see what comes up!

Once you have an understanding of your reasons, it doesn’t hurt to appeal to your family members’ reasoning style as well. If you are familiar with Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies personality framework, my husband is a Questioner. Questioners say, “I do what I think is best, according to my judgment.” I therefore try to provide objective research when I approach him with something.

Luckily, there is a ton of science behind the impact of clutter on our bodies and our brain, and how clutter affects women differently than men. Also, clutter affects children, especially young children who may be more sensitive to an overload of visual stimuli because they are learning to explore their world so much through their senses. There is also plenty of research about the impact of overscheduling on the mental health of children. In his book, Simplicity Parenting, Kim John Payne notes:

“Just as too many toys may stifle creativity, too many scheduled activities may limit a child’s ability to direct themselves, to fill their own time, to find and follow their own path.”

Your kids’ ages and personalities will factor heavily in how you approach the conversation about living with less. My kids are two and four, and are still at the age when I can usually streamline their clothing, books, and toys without them noticing (i.e. hide them for a while and when they don’t ask about them, donate). But as kids grow older, and their attachment to stuff grows (as well as their interest in activities, sports, etc.), the conversation becomes trickier.

If you understand your child’s needs and values, you can frame the conversation in a way that appeals to them. Notice I did not say wants. Wants are different, and in fact, as this article explains, it is important that children know the difference between the two at an early age. Here are some examples of needs and values:

2. Decide the best time to talk to your family and put it on the calendar.

Once you have a well-thought-out approach to the conversation, it’s time to schedule it! If you have children, I would recommend meeting with your spouse/partner first (hereafter “partner”), and making sure you are on the same page before approaching your kids.

When are you and your partner most receptive to a conversation that requires attention and empathetic, non-judgemental listening? There are so many factors that play into this, such as work and family schedules, chronotype/sleep schedule, and menstrual cycle to name a few. Allot yourself an hour so that you don’t feel flustered or rushed. Once you have a few time slots picked out that work for you, approach your partner in an upbeat, casual manner. Here’s a possible script:

“I know that I’ve seemed a bit stressed out lately and I can tell it’s affecting you and the kids. I have some ideas of how I want to simplify on my end and I wanted to talk to you about it. Does DATE/TIME or DATE/TIME work for you?”

If your partner wants to ask questions right there, kindly ask them to wait until your meeting so that you can give them your full attention.

If you are a single parent (you’re doing an amazing job, by the way) and want to move straight to talking to your kids, you can take the same approach when you set up a meeting with them.

3. Lay the foundation and stay anchored to your why.

It’s the day of the meeting. Don’t be nervous! Remember that the purpose is to explain why simplifying is important to you, to provide some reasoning that will also appeal to your partner and/or kids (see Step #1), and agree on some ground rules and next steps. As mentioned previously, I’d recommend meeting one-on-one with your partner, and then scheduling a separate family meeting with your kids.

Here’s a sample script of how you can start the conversation:

“I’ve been feeling really stressed and overwhelmed when it comes to managing the stuff in our house. I did some research, and I found that I’m not crazy. There is a physiological connection between stuff, stress, overwhelm, and the health of our family. I want our home to be a haven, a place where I can spend time with you and the kids without the nagging feeling that I should always be doing something or cleaning something up. So I’m looking at ways that I can simplify so I’m not so overwhelmed anymore.”

This can be easily translated to an age-appropriate discussion with your kids as well.

4. Set expectations and ground rules, but remain flexible and open to feedback.

Now that you’ve explained why you want to change, now it’s time to move into what and how you want to change. Here are some recommendations:

This is not an exhaustive list but will get you started on the right path! Remember above all to set an example by how you are living, but never nag to try and get your family to change. Your family will notice the positive impact a simpler lifestyle will have on you. You can’t control what they decide to do. After a while, you may find that your partner is willingly contributing items to go in the car for the next donation center run, or your kids are open to selling items on Facebook Marketplace (especially if you are willing to share the profits with them!)

5. Schedule monthly follow-up meetings.

This is not a one-and-done conversation. I would recommend checking in monthly to see if any guidelines need to be changed and to keep your family updated on your progress and what you’re learning. As time goes on, you may suggest a family movie night watching a documentary about minimalism or recommending that they listen to a specific podcast episode. Keep the lines of communication open, remain flexible and curious. You may be surprised what happens!

Have you had a conversation with your partner or kids about living with less? How did it go? What roadblocks did you encounter? I’d love to hear from you! Please leave a comment below.

If your family is struggling with simplifying, a mindset block may be contributing. Check out my resource 5 Mindset Shifts To Help You Let Go of Clutter!

Simplify. Find out how.

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