When I read Marie Kondo’s book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, the following quote struck me:
“Until you have completed the once-in-a-lifetime event of putting your house in order, any attempt to tidy on a daily basis is doomed to failure. Conversely, once you have put your house in order, tidying will be reduced to the very simple task of putting things back where they belong.”
Once-in-a-lifetime? Maybe for someone with no kids who has never changed their clothing size or hobbies, but in my experience putting your house in order is not a one-and-done situation. My kids are constantly growing out of clothes, books, and toys. School, birthdays, holidays- there’s paperwork and gifts coming into the house on a regular basis. Even though I’ve set expectations with my loved ones and my own kids about what stays and what goes, there still is a “stuff stream” to be managed.
So what’s the difference between me and another mom who is completely overwhelmed by her clutter? My mindset around what I own and what I purchase has changed since embracing minimalism. In order to make decluttering a normal part of your day-to-day routine rather than an overwhelming task you never start, you need to embrace some key mindset shifts.
While the following five mindset shifts are not exhaustive, they are the ones I think are most important to making progress with your decluttering goals. To dive further into this mindset work, I’ve created a free resource/mini-workbook with 15 questions to help you figure out what mindset shifts will be most impactful for you.
1. From Scarcity Mindset to Abundance Mindset
I’ve written extensively about abundance mindset in this post, but in essence we have been culturally conditioned to have a scarcity mindset which focuses on competition and comparison. If someone has more (or better) stuff, success, or experiences than we do, we figure that there’s not enough left for us to enjoy. Our self-worth comes from what we own and what it says about us, rather than an inherent sense of self. We allow comparison to make us miserable, and live in a constant state of fear of missing out (FOMO). An abundance mindset is one where there is enough for everyone to be successful, and is rooted in a deep sense of personal self-worth which allows us to stop comparing ourselves and to give freely from the abundance we enjoy.
2. Focusing on our Aspirational Self vs. Accepting our Realistic Self
Our aspirational, or fantasy self, attracts aspirational clutter. It is the self that fit into a certain pair of pants years ago, or is convinced that we will wear that dress with the tags if only we had the right occasion. She is the one who bought a bunch of craft supplies but still has never done that thing she saw on Pinterest months ago. It is the self that imagines sitting for hours with a cup of tea reading all the unread books on the shelf.
As Francine Jay explains in her article Declutter Your Fantasy Self:
“All too often, we hold on to stuff because it represents who we think we should be, rather than who we are. Sometimes our fantasy selves are meant to impress others; sometimes they’re relics of our past; sometimes they’re fantasies about our future. Whatever the case, it’s important to remember: acquiring stuff for your fantasy self doesn’t make it a reality. Most of the time, it only leads to a lot of ‘nice’ clutter you never actually use.”
By accepting our realistic self and being OK with who we are right now, we can let go of much of the clutter that makes us feel bad about what we aren’t doing that we “should” be. This mindset shift is difficult because we feel like we are losing part of our identity, but there is joy and freedom to be found in surrounding ourselves only with the things that represent who we are in this moment (and not ten pounds or two kids ago).
3. From Mindless Consumer to Intentional Advocate
If you have been learning about minimalism for any amount of time, you are aware that we are being marketed to at an unprecedented level. Instead of just television commercials, magazine ads, and billboards, our eyeballs are now assaulted with perfectly targeted ads on social media as well. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve just thought of a product and somehow it ends up as an ad in my Facebook feed.
Recognizing we are being marketed to is one thing, but we may not be aware of how strongly it is actually impacting our purchasing behaviors. When you recognize that your purchasing power is a vote for the kind of world you want, you look at buying stuff differently. Are you buying something to escape boredom or an unpleasant feeling? Do you buy impulsively, or do you give yourself time to decide whether you actually need it? Do you think about how a product is made, or consider a secondhand option first? Moving from mindless consumer to an intentional advocate for your own financial and emotional health is one of the most impactful ways to prevent clutter from coming into your home in the first place.
4. From Decluttering to Letting Go
Decluttering is important to make room for what is most important for us, but if we don’t fix the underlying issues around our purchasing and our emotional attachment to our stuff, our home will stay cluttered. It is important to recognize we are psychologically predisposed to hold onto our stuff for a variety of reasons. We own it already, we paid a lot for it, it’s already around us and we’re used to it, or we imbue it with emotional significance.
Imagine you decide to eat healthier, so you go through your pantry, fridge, and freezer and throw away all the junk food. That is a worthy accomplishment, but if you haven’t healed your emotional relationship with those foods, what’s stopping you from just buying them the moment you walk out the door? We have to truly explore our emotional attachment to our stuff and ask ourselves why we are holding onto something, or buying something new. Otherwise we will never be able to let go of the hold stuff has on us. If you struggle with sentimental items, this worksheet may help you.
5. The “Natural Disaster” Exercise
The fifth and final mindset shift requires us to evaluate who we are without our stuff. I call it the Natural Disaster exercise. I’d like you to imagine that you are on vacation somewhere. You’ve packed a small bag with clothing and a few personal items. You get a call from your neighbor that your house has flooded and everything has been destroyed. In the next 10 seconds, think about or write down what you would miss. Don’t overthink it.
After 10 seconds, look at your list. Does it surprise you? Are there only a few things on there? Perhaps a few photographs, or a family heirloom? Now let me ask, what are you doing to preserve those things? Have you taken a photo, scanned it, written a story about it? This exercise can really put what is important to us in perspective and more easily let go of what we don’t need- and what we probably wouldn’t miss.
A Helpful Tool To Explore Your Mindset Around Clutter
Where do you struggle the most? Emotional attachment to your stuff? Mindless consumption of what you don’t really need? I’d love to know in the comments below, or just e-mail me at info@simplebyemmy.com. Whatever it may be, I hope this article opened your eyes to where you may be stuck in your decluttering journey. I’ve created a free 15-question mini-workbook to help you dive into each of these mindset shifts further. (Side note: this is also a lesson in my new course Moms Overcoming Overwhelm!) If you need further support in your decluttering journey, feel free to reach out to me! I’d love to chat with you.
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