My home and calendar reflect my minimalism journey over the past five years. I have decluttered the physical items I no longer use or love, and have removed the commitments from my calendar that I was doing out of guilt or obligation. I continue to struggle, however, with what’s going on in my head.
I meditate regularly which allows me to observe my thoughts rather than attach to them. I recognize limiting beliefs and negative thoughts and question them rather than just accept them as truth. But I often forget that the words I use to describe my experience, whether in my head or out loud, define my experience. Tony Robbins says it this way: “How you speak to yourself directly influences how you experience things in life. If your internal self-talk is negative, chances are that your external experiences will be negative as well.”
Robbins goes on to say that the average person regularly uses only 200-300 words out of the 2,000 words in their working vocabulary. This is our “habitual vocabulary.” When our habitual vocabulary includes words that are negative or limit our potential, we are directly influencing our emotions and how we experience our lives.
For example, if you say that you are “overwhelmed”, it brings about a different emotional response than saying that you are being “stretched” or “challenged”. I’m not suggesting that we lie to ourselves, but “lowering the intensity of negative emotions to the point where they no longer control you,” as Robbins suggests, can have a massive impact in our lives. That is why I have decided to declutter these four words from my vocabulary for good.
1. Always and 2. Never
I’ve grouped these words together since they are extremes on either side of a behavioral continuum. This is not meant in the context of something you have or haven’t done before. For example, “I’ve always wanted to go to Paris, but I’ve never been there.” What I’m talking about is using always and never to overgeneralize behaviors, both other people’s and your own.
Carol Dweck introduced her concept of fixed versus growth mindset in her book Mindset. She says:
Individuals who believe their talents can be developed (through hard work, good strategies, and input from others) have a growth mindset. They tend to achieve more than those with a more fixed mindset (those who believe their talents are innate gifts). This is because they worry less about looking smart and they put more energy into learning…When we face challenges, receive criticism, or fare poorly compared with others, we can easily fall into insecurity or defensiveness, a response that inhibits growth.”
Carol Dweck
This is why the way we use always and never matters.
If we tell our spouse that they “never unload the dishwasher,” it can cause them to be defensive and not help with the housework. If I tell my 3-year old, “You always whine when you’re hungry,” it can cause him to feel insecure about communicating his feelings to me. In both cases, growth is inhibited. The same is true for ourselves. If I tell myself I always forget to call my brother or never go to bed on time, I’m making blanket statements about my behaviors –“This is just the way I am.” This fixed mindset inhibits growth and causes us to give up rather than face challenges head-on.
3. Should
This is a biggie. How many times have you said or thought that you should do something or should want to do something? The word should is tied to a sense of obligation or duty, and therefore is often connected with negative feelings such as guilt or shame if we don’t do what we think we should be doing. I see should language as falling into the following categories:
- Expectation. I should be able to handle this. I should be further along by now. I should cook my kids a healthy breakfast every day. Should can run rampant when you have unrealistic expectations based upon comparison or some ideal that doesn’t exist in the real world. I have caught myself many times telling myself what I should be doing to be a “good” mom. It’s exhausting and unattainable.
- Obligation. I should call her back, even though she always complains. I should accept that board position. If I don’t do it, who will? Saying should can be dangerous when you are doing something out of guilt or obligation, rather than tying it to your deepest why. It drains your energy and can cause you to feel resentful.
- Motivation. I should finish that task I’ve been putting off. I should stop watching Netflix go to bed early tonight. Sometimes should comes from a lack of motivation to do something. If we don’t do it, we feel like crap about ourselves. If we do it, it is often begrudgingly. The fact is that we normally don’t feel motivated to do things. We have to act ourselves into a different state of feeling, rather than feeling motivated to act. Get the accountability support you need, but stop should-ing when it comes to motivation.
- Condemnation. She should have told me. She shouldn’t let her kids do that. This is when we make judgements about others’ behaviors and what they should or shouldn’t be doing. Judging others is a blog post in and of itself, but I always remember that other people have different priorities than I do, and their actions reflect that. I don’t waste time and energy worrying about how they should act, I worry about myself.
When it comes to saying should, it boils down to this for me: I’m less concerned about what you should be doing and more concerned about what you choose to do. Make your decisions based upon your deepest held values, and stop should-ing!
4. Just
Just is an interesting word because there are many definitions. The one that I am referring to is “simply; only; no more than.”
You would think as a simplicity blogger I would love a word defined as “simply.” However, just is dangerous when it is used to justify our behaviors as well as limit our potential.
- Justifying behaviors. How many times have you said this to yourself? I’m just going to check Instagram for five minutes. I’m just going to pop into this store to check out the sale. How many times has just been used to justify a behavior that doesn’t align with our desire to live an intentional life? When you start saying just, ask yourself whether the future version of yourself will be happy with the choice you’re about to make.
- Limiting our potential. Just can be used to make ourselves small, to minimize the impact that we can make in this world. I am guilty for saying and thinking that I am just a stay-at-home mom, and therefore can’t contribute to conversations with people with “actual” jobs. Or I’ll say that I just write a little blog about simplicity instead of saying that I am passionate about writing and feel that I am living my purpose and calling. Don’t let just limit who you were created to be. You can minimize your stuff, but don’t minimize how much you are needed in this world.
I’ve struggled with just especially when it comes to being a stay-at-home mom. For Mother’s Day, I created this video called “Just” a Mom which expresses the tension between wanting more than anything to be a mom but also wanting something more in this season of motherhood.
Words have power. Let go of the ones that don’t serve you.
I’ve let go of a lot in my minimalism journey, but letting go of the words that don’t serve me has been the most freeing by far. Because these four words are habitual, you may be surprised how often you use them. I would encourage you, if even for a day, to write down anytime you use one of these words (in your head or out loud), question your thought or statement and replace it with something that serves your highest good. When you transform your vocabulary, you can transform your life.
Want to know what questions I use to declutter my home, calendar, and head? Check out my free resource 50 Questions Minimalists Ask.
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